NO GROUND

By Moira Read

Standing up, feeling upside down

Speaking, feeling lips are closed

Thinking, feeling brains are smashed

Loving, like you have never loved before

Protecting, like a lioness with her young

Educating everyone about Asperger's everyday, every minute, every second

Being so brave, your hair on your head actually hurts

Accepting difference, whilst feeling like you are in the middle of an unstoppable avalanche

Fighting like you are fighting for your life

Praying & hoping that you can hold onto to each changing day

Swimming so fast to keep your head just above the water

Desparate enough to humiliate yourself without a care

Grieving & fighting like a warrior all at the same time

Living the nightmare but hoping it's all going to be a dream & you'll soon wake up

Shaking like a leaf, stomach in knots

Loosing any sense of so called normality or reality very quickly

Living life on a constant slant, with no feeling of any familiar ground

Wanting to change places with my children, to help ease their distress & pain,

Needing a magic wand to fix everything, like a good mum would do

Waiting, watching, hurting, 

A family in need

A family in pieces

A family in shock

Big days everyday

Big decisions everyday

Huge anguish everyday

Understanding, accepting, learning

Compassion, co-operation,

Love, help, care,

Company, inclusion, educate

My time is always in demand

Time for us to feel the right way up,

standing on some semi-solid ground again

Needing some peace
Wash over us all

Hold us in your tight arms

Help to ease the hurt & confusion

Dissolve my anger with nurture & love as big as the universe itself

Just another day for me

This poem was written by myself in ten minutes one September morning, in my dressing gown at the table, after a very sleepness night. I was feeling totally lost, watching our youngest daughter crumble & become a complete shadow of herself, after attending her new secondary school for one day.

She has been unable to attend ever since, after three days of severe anxiety & panic attacks. 

After 5 weeks of my continual meetings with  the doctor, the school, welfare, camhs & the hospital she is now waiting for an assessment for a possible diagnosis of autisic spectrum disorder, (ASD). Our eldest daughter was diagnosed this time last year with Aspergers. I have also recognised many difficulities I have found throughout my own life are now presenting as difficulites for both of my girls. I felt it was the right time to mention this to a professional with 15 years experience of mentoring people with an ASD diagnosis & whilst it is not a true diagnostic confirmation, she told me I too show traits of Aspergers. Whilst this has been a massive shock for me, it does feel like the pieces of my puzzle are finally beginning to start to fit together more comfortably. How I have always viewed myself & the world around me? This has been an extremely difficult time with all most too much coming at me from all directions. My nerves are shot. But I am finding a way to hold & hope & trust that all will be ok & we will find our new ground soon.

Blogging is perhaps a way of me processing all what is unfolding. For now it feels ok. It is my voice, when I am finding things too hard on my own.

More blog posts to follow, as our journey of learning, understanding, living with & accepting autism continues to show & become part of who we are in our very special family.

Thank you so much for reading my blog today.

Until next time, take care.

xx