STEPPING BACK

ALLOWING

HEALING

Hello again. This is my second post today. It is describing a day of making new decisions & promises to myself. It means I have promised myself to step back from the world of autism. Put the books to one side. Take the information off Facebook. When our daughter was finally diagnosed at age 15 after a very difficult year, I felt I had accepted it straight away. I hadn't!!! It's starting to happen now....8 months later.

I had flung myself head first into every kind of research, information, organisations, specialists known for their expertise in autism, especially Aspergers! I have shared information with everyone. I would have told someone at the bus stop if they had let me!! I was learning, expanding my own mind, trying to understand just how my daughter's operates. Actually it is very similar to my own, which has been a journey in itself?!!

I have exhausted myself reading at night, through the night, in the car & yes even on the throne!!!! 

I felt this incredible desire to understand all that has been written & discovered out about high functioning autisim. 

I have educated myself, my daughter's, my sister, my family & friends. But now I am exhausted with information overload. It has been essential & good for me. This information has served as part of my grieving process & has begun to lead me gently down the path of acceptance. It has been out of respect & love for my amazing daughter & other people living with autisim.

I am adjusting to many different aspects of her autisim. We all are, including her too! I told her mummy was feeling sad & helpless  because I could't fix things to help her to exist with more ease in this world. It sounds awful even typing that, but that was how I was feeling last night. I needed to be able to make her feel better, to make her pain go away. She said " I don't want to be fixed". That was it, permission to stop trying so hard?!! To sit back. To stop fighting. To let go of trying to resolve this whole situation she was going through with school phobia, myself!! For now it is my time to rest & focus also on myself, as well as caring for her & my families needs.

My work has been done, as they say. I have loved & hugged. I have laughed & just very recently cried. I must allow other professionals who have FINALLY shown up to take the lead & support us all.

It was a very promising meeting at her school today. I told them just how I feel. I told them no more, as my shoulders are unable to carry any more weight!! I am struggling again myself with my own mental health & wellbeing. I need them to work with me & my family. It will happen. I am confident this time. They can see how much I have done. They feel my need for their help. For now I am :

 TRUSTING

ASKING

HOPING

OUR ROSE GARDEN

 Thank you for reading my post today.

Until next time, take care.
xx