BITTERSWEET DAY

Yesterday became a day of highs & sudden lows. This morning the term "bittersweet" formed in my mind. We all have day's like that & to be honest I find those hugely draining both emotionally & physically. 

The morning had started with my 50 minute counselling session. Twelve sessions had been offered to me free of charge! They were being offered by the charity "SNAP" which I became a member of some months back. They offer services to parents & children with disabilites in the area. I had decided to put my name down to help me come to terms with our 15 year old daughter's diagnosis of High Functioning autism, "Aspergers", in October 2013.

After about 7 sessions we have talked about many areas of my life, including my family background & my earliest memories of  childhood. Also the many turbulent events that I experienced during my teenage years. The counsellor was interested to hear my story & what has formed me into the person I am today. 

It has been a very difficult process & on a few occassions I have arrived & left feeling very raw, exposed & in tears. I have to gather myself really quickly, as straight after the session I pick up my daughter from her morning school. There is no time for processing information!!

After celebrating our 14th wedding anniversary on Sunday I felt I would use yesterday's session to reflect on our relationship & how things have changed in our marriage & for our children too. 

It was a very positive session & I came away feeling strong & reassured that we are moving in the right direction, even though we encounter many rocky roads daily!! Somehow with hard work & communication we are pulling through, pulling together. A team.

My daughter has had a few more very difficult days where she has not been able to attend school this week. It started on Sunday evening just after our family meal out was drawing to a close. All had become overwhelming for her & she went into a huge meltdown which continued for hours after returning home. I sat & talked all things "Disney" with her in her bedroom which helped to soothe, calm & comfort her distress.

This wasn't perhaps our expectation of a lovely family meal out. But it is where we are right now & we as  family have to constantly find new ways of tackling these "bittersweet" moments we often arrive at. It is extremely stressful for all of us, especially her younger sister during these times of sudden anxiety that our daughter experiences. We are learning all the time how to handle, cope, manage & these recurring classic autistic behaviours the best we know how. Mainly by loving, caring, paying 100% attention to her moods at any given time & always trying to remain calm.

KEEPING THE MOOD POSITIVE

 This has been working well if me & my husband are on the same page. If we happen to slip slighty & either he or I are tired or stressed ourselves, then it doesn't take long to work out just how easy it is for an argument to begin!!

This is where yesterday became a tricky late afternoon & evening. I had been juggling all the balls catching each one all day & feeling pretty pleased with my efforts. In walks my husband after a very long & pressured day at work, with his own take on the events of my day & tells me loud & clear about his stand on my decisions. 

Well you can imagine things went from bad to worse very speedily. I felt let down & unsupported. I felt undermined. 

I had to go to bed as my whole body & mind just went into shut down. It wasn't a nice feeling & it does make me worry at times about our family unit. 

TRIGGERS

A text message from him this morning told me all I needed to know about my husbands mood. He had been in a conversation at work which he felt strongly about. He put his view across to a collegue, but unfortunately it had fell on deaf ears. It was basically saying just as long as your baby is healthy do not worry about anything else!! This was part of his own grieving journey about his own beautiful daughter. It was about his acceptance of all the new things he is having to cope with daily. All the new aspects about his daughter he is trying so hard to understand, her obessions, her routines, her lack of friendship & isolation. Although her autism has always been part of her, ( although we had no idea!!) & we have always been aware of difficulties in her childhood it is only now she is 15 her autisic behaviour is easier to notice. An appology has been made & I have accepted this with an open heart. We are on the same page again, which feels a far safer place for us both to be today.

 FOR MY FAMILY

SO PROUD OF YOU ALL

LOVE  KISSES
&

 AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF TIGHT HUGS 

   Thank you for reading my blog today.

Until next time, take care.
xx