TAKE ME TO A HILL
By Moira Read

Anger in my belly

Pain in my heart so big it could make it stop beating

What to do with all this emotion battering my body?

Take me to a hill

Somewhere high up

Somewhere private

Let me shout at our sky

Let me scream at our sky

Would I really shout?

No, I would whisper & pray for some tears to fall

No, I would be frightened & lost

Who would be listening anyway?

Only my own self, my own ears

Her bravery astounds me

Her fear consumes me

Her love creates me

Her need overwhelms me

Her struggles distress me

Morning arrives, my husband next to me

Lying in silence

What can we say?

How can we comfort each other?

Tense bodies, confused minds, bruised hearts

We are in this together

She has needed us forever

Elastic people stretching to make friends with autism

We meet it head on

We say ok autism do your worst

We listen & learn about autism

We are working with you autism

Give our girl a chance to function without so much pain

She has a brilliant creative mind

She has her own wonderful way of communicating

Her passions are extreme & interesting

She has a heart made out of cotton wool, marshmallows,

soft feathers & rainbows 

Her head is filled with princesses, dolls, soft toys, ponies, guinea pigs, stickers, colouring, books, creative writing & theatrical music scores

Another day to unfold

Uneasy in our skin

Loving till it stings & burns

Hoping till it drains & teases

Trying like there is no tomorrow

Feeling very tiny in a great big world

Words healing my mind & soul

Giving thanks 

Cup of tea being offered & accepted gratefully

Please be kind to us today our sky above

Treat us gently

Hello again, I wrote this poem at 8am last Saturday morning. It again just came with no struggle, it was finished in 15 mins. It came from my heart.

It came after a very upsetting late night caring for our eldest daughter who has high functioning autism. She experiences sensory overload meltdowns & this by far was the worst one yet! It began around 11pm & ended 1.45am. They can be triggered by unexpected excitment, boredom, being in crowds with 2 way traffic, cross conversations, bright lights & high pitched sounds. 

We used her new weighted blanket for therapy to soothe her. We used her favourite Disney doll to calm her. Her younger sister gave her Fig our guinea pig to comfort her.

After waking I had so much anger & fear in my body I felt the urge to write my feeling down in a sort of a poem. It helps. I show my husband, he nods, he understands the words. We find ourselves stuck with any conversation. Silent hand holding is good. I sleep on.

I wake suddenly in a panic. I hear voices of my family downstairs. What day is it? What time is it? 1.30pm!! I feel angry again. Why did they leave me to sleep this long? You need the rest was the reply.

No brushed hair today, no change of clothes, no wash, no makeup. I needed to feel my family around me before anything else.

It was a better day, it did treat us with kindness. It did allow our daughter some peace. We did hear laughter & we managed to all sleep that night without any upsetting events.

We had talked about our daughter's triggers & suddenly a breakthrough happened. Our daughter seemed to be find her real voice. She has been on her own journey since her diagnosis in October 2013. She is learning about her limits, her joys, her emotions very slowly. She will be 16 this March. We talked about structure, planning & the prediction of most things. She spoke with clarity about her needs, although it was hard for her to speak whilst filtering her thoughts at the same time. We were patient. We were so moved to witness  her emotional growth beginning to shine through.

A calm quiet evening followed, all still recovering & resting internally. 

A new week ahead for us all.

Thank you for reading my blog today.

Until next time, take care.

xx

   
All images are taken from Pinterest 

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NO GROUND

By Moira Read

Standing up, feeling upside down

Speaking, feeling lips are closed

Thinking, feeling brains are smashed

Loving, like you have never loved before

Protecting, like a lioness with her young

Educating everyone about Asperger's everyday, every minute, every second

Being so brave, your hair on your head actually hurts

Accepting difference, whilst feeling like you are in the middle of an unstoppable avalanche

Fighting like you are fighting for your life

Praying & hoping that you can hold onto to each changing day

Swimming so fast to keep your head just above the water

Desparate enough to humiliate yourself without a care

Grieving & fighting like a warrior all at the same time

Living the nightmare but hoping it's all going to be a dream & you'll soon wake up

Shaking like a leaf, stomach in knots

Loosing any sense of so called normality or reality very quickly

Living life on a constant slant, with no feeling of any familiar ground

Wanting to change places with my children, to help ease their distress & pain,

Needing a magic wand to fix everything, like a good mum would do

Waiting, watching, hurting, 

A family in need

A family in pieces

A family in shock

Big days everyday

Big decisions everyday

Huge anguish everyday

Understanding, accepting, learning

Compassion, co-operation,

Love, help, care,

Company, inclusion, educate

My time is always in demand

Time for us to feel the right way up,

standing on some semi-solid ground again

Needing some peace
Wash over us all

Hold us in your tight arms

Help to ease the hurt & confusion

Dissolve my anger with nurture & love as big as the universe itself

Just another day for me

This poem was written by myself in ten minutes one September morning, in my dressing gown at the table, after a very sleepness night. I was feeling totally lost, watching our youngest daughter crumble & become a complete shadow of herself, after attending her new secondary school for one day.

She has been unable to attend ever since, after three days of severe anxiety & panic attacks. 

After 5 weeks of my continual meetings with  the doctor, the school, welfare, camhs & the hospital she is now waiting for an assessment for a possible diagnosis of autisic spectrum disorder, (ASD). Our eldest daughter was diagnosed this time last year with Aspergers. I have also recognised many difficulities I have found throughout my own life are now presenting as difficulites for both of my girls. I felt it was the right time to mention this to a professional with 15 years experience of mentoring people with an ASD diagnosis & whilst it is not a true diagnostic confirmation, she told me I too show traits of Aspergers. Whilst this has been a massive shock for me, it does feel like the pieces of my puzzle are finally beginning to start to fit together more comfortably. How I have always viewed myself & the world around me? This has been an extremely difficult time with all most too much coming at me from all directions. My nerves are shot. But I am finding a way to hold & hope & trust that all will be ok & we will find our new ground soon.

Blogging is perhaps a way of me processing all what is unfolding. For now it feels ok. It is my voice, when I am finding things too hard on my own.

More blog posts to follow, as our journey of learning, understanding, living with & accepting autism continues to show & become part of who we are in our very special family.

Thank you so much for reading my blog today.

Until next time, take care.

xx

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FEELING WHOLE

By Moira Read

  Space to breathe

Space to heal

Space to grow

Space to create

Space to make mistakes

Space to succeed

 

Space to think

Space to rest

Space to re-energise

  Space to find beauty

Space to wander

Space to discover

Space to learn

Space to speak

Space to laugh

  Space to feel wanted

Space to feel safe

Space to feel loved

  Space to feel nurtured

Space to feel enough

Space to feel happy

  Space to walk

Space to explore

Space to experience

  Space to cry

Space to be still

Space to be understood

 Space to feel accepted

Space to feel confident

Space to feel special

  Space for memories

Space for friends

Space for family

 Space for daydreaming

   Space for singing

Space for joy

 Space to be yourself

Space to feel purpose

Space to excel

Space to be the best you can possibly be

Space to feel comfortable in your own skin

Space to feel happy in your own company

Watch this space!

Thank you for reading my post today

Until next time, take care.

xx

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 MORNING LIGHT

BEAUTY

Morning given by my life

Cup given by my Aunty Carol

Rose given by my husband

Light given by the sun

Thanks given by me

xx

 

SIMPLE LIFE

Girl's in school

Husband in work

Me chatting in the garden, with my friend Karen

Breathe

xx 
 

Many thanks for reading my poetic post today.

Until next time, take care.
xx

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BIG LOVE

 

  Feeling "BIG LOVE" for both my girls today

Celebrating a moment for them both

Wishing them the best day possible

Just breathing slowly through this morning 

Allowing my mind to stay positive 

Soothing my own anxiety with words 

Calming my thoughts with happy images

Feeling grateful for this moment

Quietening down my loud heartbeat in my head

Trusting all will be well

Knowing "BIG LOVE"

Thank you for reading my post today.

Until next time, take care.
xx

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LOSS

By Moira Read

                            

You can loose an earing

You can loose in love

You can loose your self respect

But nothing is the same as loosing your mum

You can wear a smile

You can wear make-up

You can wear the latest fashion

But try wearing grief everyday

You can replace broken glass

You can replace broken teeth

You can replace smashed up cars

But nothing replaces the emptiness inside

You can damage your health

You can damage your self-esteem

You can damage relationships

But nothing damages you more than sad memories

You can build a new life

You can build a new home

You can build a new world

But how can you build that special bond between

a mother & a daughter?

You can take out a warrenty on your greasy oven

You can take out a warrenty on your precious jewels

You can take out a warrenty on your precious existence

But you can't get "new for old" on your mums life

You can believe in fairies

You can believe in words

You can belive in flowers

But you can't believe in the ordinary anymore

You can use her love

You can use her strength

You can use her pride

But you've lost your best friend forever

You can freeze events in time

You can turn your heart to stone

You can freeze your thoughts to 23yrs ago

But you can't freeze moments to share

You can learn to cope

You can learn to hurt

You can learn to heal

But you carn't learn to forget the pain

You can go to a different place

You can go to a different job

You can go to a different town

But you can't change the past

You can change your thoughts

You can change your friends

You can change your attitude

But you can't change where you are from

You can feel homesick

You can feel confused

You can feel needy

But I actually feel you

You can give love to your family & friends

You can give love to yourself

But I still can't actually love you

I can talk about the weather

I can talk about the people

I can talk about my troubles

But I still can't actually talk to you

I can name a star after you for people to see

I can name a rose after you for people to smell

I can name a bench after you for people to rest on

But I still can't say your name & hear a reply

I can look at photos

I can look just like you

I can look back to my childhood

But I still can't actually see you

I can imagine that you are safe

I can imagine that you are happy

I can imagine that you are comfortable

But I can't imagine me ever letting you go

I can write words to explain

I can write words to remember

I can write words to understand

But I can't send my letters to heaven

I can ask my God to care for you

I can ask my God to help me too

I can ask my God to fill the gap between us

But I can't ask him to bring you back

I can hope I have made you proud

I can hope I have been the best I can

I can hope that will chat again

But I can't stop myself hoping that one day

I will be more at peace with living without you by my side

I can say thank you for being so brave

I can say thank you for being so loving

I can say thank you for being the best

But I can't say thank you for leaving too soon

Dedicated  to Brenda Dawson White

xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx 

I wrote this poem to my Mum after dropping my youngest daughter at school one morning. I sat at the table & the words just flew from my pen. It was almost as if I had written it before in my head over all the years without even knowing?

It felt good to finally express myself using words.

Everything around me stood still. My mind absorbed by words, emotions & feelings.

It was to play this biggest part in my letting go & beginning to find peace with my loss for the very first time.

I would like to tell you about a massively important book I read recently, which has helped me come to terms with lots of the things this poem is about. It has given me the opportunity to heal & not be in so much pain anymore.

The author is a lovely lady named Hope Edelman & her book is called, "Motherless Mothers". I had been searching for a book like this for ages & thankfully came across this gem. 

I am now finding my Peace

Thank you for reading my blog today

Until next time, take care

xx  

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