A SLOW START

Good morning from a very delicate mum needing to express all thats inside through this blog post. My aim is to help clear away & find a place for all the millions of painful thoughts stamping around in my very sore head today.

It has been a very unusally slow start, as my body was really struggling to raise itself into a vertical position on waking. I am very lucky in that I am a stay at home mum & so just for today I am doing the bare minimum. I take my hat off to all those others who do have to go to work or look after other family members away from home. You do a truely amazing job, if that is you?!! My husband is thankfully managing to work throughout all our family concerns. Later he will return to a very exhausted & burnt out wife, it's hard on us all. We work as a team, like most marriages. We rarely go out alone & if we do it feels really strange? He is doing so well & works so hard for his family, I am so grateful.

 

The last two weeks have been a struggle as both my daughters have been off from school. The eldest with a total mind & body shutdown, brought on by stress & pushing herself through a huge school week with extra studies etc. Having Aspergers means she has to pace herself & really build in big chunks of relaxation  to pursue her obsessions/hobbies to destress & re-energise herself. This is a crazy balance, as real life does not work that that!! So often after a full on week of pushing to the limit a week of chronic fatigue begins.

My youngest is still not able to attend school & is feeling increasingly more away from the real world. It is heartbreaking at times. She is starting to become very attached to our home & often worries about bumping into friends if we pop out in the day for fear of feeling stupid, different, misunderstood or just weird if spotted by them?

Aspergers can make it hard to socialise with your own peer group, often perfering older company if any? Neither of my girls are socialising with friends. Friendships on the internet & via penpalling around the world with like minded, "Disney" friends helps my eldest daughter to feel connection with the outside world. 

We spend time indoors all three of us together everyday in our, "own worlds" of our particular interests. Infact we exist around each other perfectly which is something I treasure deeply. 

This week has been a tough one as I have attended two different meetings, at two different schools, over two consecutive days with an army of professionals discussing serious matters & decisions to be made surrounding both their educational futures.

Today I am exhausted. My mind mashed with words & feelings left over from just one of the meetings. It was not a good meeting & I felt so patronised that I told them so!! I am learning to stand up for myself, but it takes it's toll on me.

I also felt worried about how I uncomfortable I felt just with other people myself. Having spent so many weeks being so isolated & in a bubble at home, the outside world is busy & fast & noisy & messy. I had to really focus on feeling a tiny part of it. 

Today I am still in my dressing gown, walking slowly, eating slowly & drinking lots of tea. Sat & watched TV with my girls, cuddled Fig our guinea pig which made a tear appear, from my right eye only? This one tear felt good. It was me allowing these feelings of hurt today &  to look for comfort around me. 

I have joined two new local charities who help & support people with disabilites. I have joined my first facebook group for families living with autism & introduced myself & my family via this blog too. I have emailed the National Autistic Society with a link to my blog. I am reaching out slowly.

Today is about my self-care. Everything that can wait is waiting & I am just about ok with that. 

I wish anyone else reading my blog today who is also feeling in desperate need for self-care today peace & rest & comfort.

Thank you for reading.

My mind is less busy & my body is not as heavy for expressing my many thoughts through my need to blog & hear my own story to understand it better myself.

   

Until next time, take care & remember to think about yourself as well as everybody else whenever you get a window of opportunity.

xx