TAKE ME TO A HILL
By Moira Read

Anger in my belly

Pain in my heart so big it could make it stop beating

What to do with all this emotion battering my body?

Take me to a hill

Somewhere high up

Somewhere private

Let me shout at our sky

Let me scream at our sky

Would I really shout?

No, I would whisper & pray for some tears to fall

No, I would be frightened & lost

Who would be listening anyway?

Only my own self, my own ears

Her bravery astounds me

Her fear consumes me

Her love creates me

Her need overwhelms me

Her struggles distress me

Morning arrives, my husband next to me

Lying in silence

What can we say?

How can we comfort each other?

Tense bodies, confused minds, bruised hearts

We are in this together

She has needed us forever

Elastic people stretching to make friends with autism

We meet it head on

We say ok autism do your worst

We listen & learn about autism

We are working with you autism

Give our girl a chance to function without so much pain

She has a brilliant creative mind

She has her own wonderful way of communicating

Her passions are extreme & interesting

She has a heart made out of cotton wool, marshmallows,

soft feathers & rainbows 

Her head is filled with princesses, dolls, soft toys, ponies, guinea pigs, stickers, colouring, books, creative writing & theatrical music scores

Another day to unfold

Uneasy in our skin

Loving till it stings & burns

Hoping till it drains & teases

Trying like there is no tomorrow

Feeling very tiny in a great big world

Words healing my mind & soul

Giving thanks 

Cup of tea being offered & accepted gratefully

Please be kind to us today our sky above

Treat us gently

Hello again, I wrote this poem at 8am last Saturday morning. It again just came with no struggle, it was finished in 15 mins. It came from my heart.

It came after a very upsetting late night caring for our eldest daughter who has high functioning autism. She experiences sensory overload meltdowns & this by far was the worst one yet! It began around 11pm & ended 1.45am. They can be triggered by unexpected excitment, boredom, being in crowds with 2 way traffic, cross conversations, bright lights & high pitched sounds. 

We used her new weighted blanket for therapy to soothe her. We used her favourite Disney doll to calm her. Her younger sister gave her Fig our guinea pig to comfort her.

After waking I had so much anger & fear in my body I felt the urge to write my feeling down in a sort of a poem. It helps. I show my husband, he nods, he understands the words. We find ourselves stuck with any conversation. Silent hand holding is good. I sleep on.

I wake suddenly in a panic. I hear voices of my family downstairs. What day is it? What time is it? 1.30pm!! I feel angry again. Why did they leave me to sleep this long? You need the rest was the reply.

No brushed hair today, no change of clothes, no wash, no makeup. I needed to feel my family around me before anything else.

It was a better day, it did treat us with kindness. It did allow our daughter some peace. We did hear laughter & we managed to all sleep that night without any upsetting events.

We had talked about our daughter's triggers & suddenly a breakthrough happened. Our daughter seemed to be find her real voice. She has been on her own journey since her diagnosis in October 2013. She is learning about her limits, her joys, her emotions very slowly. She will be 16 this March. We talked about structure, planning & the prediction of most things. She spoke with clarity about her needs, although it was hard for her to speak whilst filtering her thoughts at the same time. We were patient. We were so moved to witness  her emotional growth beginning to shine through.

A calm quiet evening followed, all still recovering & resting internally. 

A new week ahead for us all.

Thank you for reading my blog today.

Until next time, take care.

xx

   
All images are taken from Pinterest