WAITING GAME

Hello on this Wednesday morning, a week since our youngest daughters medical assessment. Doctors & other specialised professionals are working towards a possible diagnosis for her anxiety & sensory difficulties?

We were told we would come away from that appointment with a definate decision.

This unfortunately was not possible on that day, as they feel they require more information.

 We have entered another waiting game.

It was very difficult to explain to our already anxious daughter about the need for more time & more information.

 She eventually understood.

~We are being open to whatever comes next~


 We will have to remain patient & trust all will work out for the best as soon as it is possible for that day to come.

 Until next time, take care.
xx

All images are taken from Pinterest

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COMFORTING WORDS

Hello again. Todays post is a short one which concentrates on words & quotes which have offered me great comfort.

Maybe they will resonate with you too?

The first quote enables me to develop a patience surrounding  events that I am having to wait for. My daughters hugely important hospital appointment has unfortunately been cancelled. This has been a tough one for us all. It is that middle part of now & then which I find very frustrating.

I had a disturbed sleep & looked at these quotes in the early morning & they helped me to breathe more calmly & rest my anxious mind to allow sleep again.

I have a growing collection of quotes I love on my Pinterest account. I am finding they serve as a wonderful reference when I need some comforting words to carry me. Do take a look if you to are soothed or inspired by words?

"Let go of how you thought your life should be"

This is a good one for me & my family too. 

 Until next time "Sharing Saturday" to follow, I hope too are finding your own comforts whenever your mind & body are asking for some calm & peace.

Thank you for reading my post today.

Until next time, take care.

xx

All images are taken from Pinterest

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TAKE ME TO A HILL
By Moira Read

Anger in my belly

Pain in my heart so big it could make it stop beating

What to do with all this emotion battering my body?

Take me to a hill

Somewhere high up

Somewhere private

Let me shout at our sky

Let me scream at our sky

Would I really shout?

No, I would whisper & pray for some tears to fall

No, I would be frightened & lost

Who would be listening anyway?

Only my own self, my own ears

Her bravery astounds me

Her fear consumes me

Her love creates me

Her need overwhelms me

Her struggles distress me

Morning arrives, my husband next to me

Lying in silence

What can we say?

How can we comfort each other?

Tense bodies, confused minds, bruised hearts

We are in this together

She has needed us forever

Elastic people stretching to make friends with autism

We meet it head on

We say ok autism do your worst

We listen & learn about autism

We are working with you autism

Give our girl a chance to function without so much pain

She has a brilliant creative mind

She has her own wonderful way of communicating

Her passions are extreme & interesting

She has a heart made out of cotton wool, marshmallows,

soft feathers & rainbows 

Her head is filled with princesses, dolls, soft toys, ponies, guinea pigs, stickers, colouring, books, creative writing & theatrical music scores

Another day to unfold

Uneasy in our skin

Loving till it stings & burns

Hoping till it drains & teases

Trying like there is no tomorrow

Feeling very tiny in a great big world

Words healing my mind & soul

Giving thanks 

Cup of tea being offered & accepted gratefully

Please be kind to us today our sky above

Treat us gently

Hello again, I wrote this poem at 8am last Saturday morning. It again just came with no struggle, it was finished in 15 mins. It came from my heart.

It came after a very upsetting late night caring for our eldest daughter who has high functioning autism. She experiences sensory overload meltdowns & this by far was the worst one yet! It began around 11pm & ended 1.45am. They can be triggered by unexpected excitment, boredom, being in crowds with 2 way traffic, cross conversations, bright lights & high pitched sounds. 

We used her new weighted blanket for therapy to soothe her. We used her favourite Disney doll to calm her. Her younger sister gave her Fig our guinea pig to comfort her.

After waking I had so much anger & fear in my body I felt the urge to write my feeling down in a sort of a poem. It helps. I show my husband, he nods, he understands the words. We find ourselves stuck with any conversation. Silent hand holding is good. I sleep on.

I wake suddenly in a panic. I hear voices of my family downstairs. What day is it? What time is it? 1.30pm!! I feel angry again. Why did they leave me to sleep this long? You need the rest was the reply.

No brushed hair today, no change of clothes, no wash, no makeup. I needed to feel my family around me before anything else.

It was a better day, it did treat us with kindness. It did allow our daughter some peace. We did hear laughter & we managed to all sleep that night without any upsetting events.

We had talked about our daughter's triggers & suddenly a breakthrough happened. Our daughter seemed to be find her real voice. She has been on her own journey since her diagnosis in October 2013. She is learning about her limits, her joys, her emotions very slowly. She will be 16 this March. We talked about structure, planning & the prediction of most things. She spoke with clarity about her needs, although it was hard for her to speak whilst filtering her thoughts at the same time. We were patient. We were so moved to witness  her emotional growth beginning to shine through.

A calm quiet evening followed, all still recovering & resting internally. 

A new week ahead for us all.

Thank you for reading my blog today.

Until next time, take care.

xx

   
All images are taken from Pinterest 

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FREEDOM & COURAGE

Hello again, this blog post is a selection of photographs I took earlier today. My youngest daughter asked if we could go for a walk together, as the sun was shining brightly & the air was warmer than it has been in a very long time!

Our days are pretty upside down with late nights & later mornings right now. Both of my daughters have unusual time body clocks & find relaxing for sleep almost impossible. It can mean we sometimes only have a small window in the afternoon to catch some daylight & fresh air. Kicking a football in the garden is something she loves to do almost daily, but today we both needed a change of the familar view from our house to a wider vision before us.

 I was drawn to these two Rose names Freedom & Courage.

Two words that means so much to me & us everyday.

We were lucky enough to see some Snowdrops & Crocus tiny flowers peeping through the cold ground. My daughter bent down really low to the ground with my mobile camera & took these adorable photographs.

 It was a very special hour we were lucky enough to spend together & it really helped to calm our restless souls. 

Since Friday I have felt unwell with all the pressure & responsibilities I am constantly juggling. I am feeling exhausted & really need to look after myself, not only for me but also for my loving family. 

Looking forward to my next post this Saturday when I hope to continue with my 2nd "Sharing Saturday" post.

Thank you for reading my post today.

Until next time, take care.

 Keep looking upwards to the sky when the sun peeps through & take a deep breath with me.

 xx

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MY JOURNAL

  My developing interest in writing as a form of self expression has been such a successful medium for me, since January 2013 when I began blogging. I was lost, lonely & frightened but mostly numb & my soul was empty of any hope. I was battling depression as a wife & mother.

Whenever my thoughts became too much for my mind to handle, I took to writing them in my first journal. I have always had a real love of pretty things, but sadly had  difficulty in feeling worthy of them. As part of my new healing journey & beginning to look at myself with more compassion, (as I would a friend), I ordered this special little journal, just for me!

 I slowly began to fill in the blank pages with many inspirational quotes, creative design ideas for my collage artwork, poems, my thoughts & important contact numbers & addresses & names of people I have discovered along the way. It was also a documented record of our fifteen year old daughter's eventual diagnosis of Aspergers in October 2013.

MAGIC MOMENTS

I have also used it to write down some priceless short conversations between myself & my daughter's which I read when I am in need of some comfort or reassurance that I am doing the best I can?! I would like to share one with you all. 

Whist looking outside our kitchen window onto our garden with my daughter one morning I said, "Oh Zoe what a wonderful joy it is to beable to look at Daddy's beautiful garden, I never even pulled a leaf!" Zoe looked right at me and replied," Yes Mum but you do alot inside!"

 ~How wonderful!~

It will be 2 years this January 2015 & 74 blog posts later that this journal has become my best friend. It is with some difficultly that I flick back through these pages which honestly bares my often raw thoughts & emotions.

  Some of my personal reminders written for me, by me.

SOUL BANK
REMEMBER TO PUT BACK IN WHAT'S BEEN TAKEN OUT
INVEST IN YOUSELF


 GIVE YOUR HEART A CUDDLE
IT FILLS YOUR SOUL


SIMPLE PLEASURES
BE GRATEFUL


BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND
SELF NURTURE IS NEEDED
SEE YOURSELF

GIVE LOVE : RECEIVE LOVE

BE KIND : ACCEPT KINDNESS

BE CREATIVE : FIND YOUR LIGHT 

MAKE PEACE : FEEL CALMER

SELF NURTURE : FIND YOURSELF

OPEN YOUR EYES : BE SEEN

 Since becoming more accepting of myself & making peace with my troubled but very loving past, I have been able to focus on my future & my families too with my new found voice & a peace in my heart.

I will be forever grateful for this at times very painful, but massively invaluable learning experience.

If you are ever feeling overwhelmed by your emotions or  worries & they are weighing you down, writing in your very own special journal may help you too? I do hope so?

Thank you for reading my blog post today.

For my next post I hope to publish my end of  year review for 2014.

Until then keep warm & take care.

xx

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A SLOW START

Good morning from a very delicate mum needing to express all thats inside through this blog post. My aim is to help clear away & find a place for all the millions of painful thoughts stamping around in my very sore head today.

It has been a very unusally slow start, as my body was really struggling to raise itself into a vertical position on waking. I am very lucky in that I am a stay at home mum & so just for today I am doing the bare minimum. I take my hat off to all those others who do have to go to work or look after other family members away from home. You do a truely amazing job, if that is you?!! My husband is thankfully managing to work throughout all our family concerns. Later he will return to a very exhausted & burnt out wife, it's hard on us all. We work as a team, like most marriages. We rarely go out alone & if we do it feels really strange? He is doing so well & works so hard for his family, I am so grateful.

 

The last two weeks have been a struggle as both my daughters have been off from school. The eldest with a total mind & body shutdown, brought on by stress & pushing herself through a huge school week with extra studies etc. Having Aspergers means she has to pace herself & really build in big chunks of relaxation  to pursue her obsessions/hobbies to destress & re-energise herself. This is a crazy balance, as real life does not work that that!! So often after a full on week of pushing to the limit a week of chronic fatigue begins.

My youngest is still not able to attend school & is feeling increasingly more away from the real world. It is heartbreaking at times. She is starting to become very attached to our home & often worries about bumping into friends if we pop out in the day for fear of feeling stupid, different, misunderstood or just weird if spotted by them?

Aspergers can make it hard to socialise with your own peer group, often perfering older company if any? Neither of my girls are socialising with friends. Friendships on the internet & via penpalling around the world with like minded, "Disney" friends helps my eldest daughter to feel connection with the outside world. 

We spend time indoors all three of us together everyday in our, "own worlds" of our particular interests. Infact we exist around each other perfectly which is something I treasure deeply. 

This week has been a tough one as I have attended two different meetings, at two different schools, over two consecutive days with an army of professionals discussing serious matters & decisions to be made surrounding both their educational futures.

Today I am exhausted. My mind mashed with words & feelings left over from just one of the meetings. It was not a good meeting & I felt so patronised that I told them so!! I am learning to stand up for myself, but it takes it's toll on me.

I also felt worried about how I uncomfortable I felt just with other people myself. Having spent so many weeks being so isolated & in a bubble at home, the outside world is busy & fast & noisy & messy. I had to really focus on feeling a tiny part of it. 

Today I am still in my dressing gown, walking slowly, eating slowly & drinking lots of tea. Sat & watched TV with my girls, cuddled Fig our guinea pig which made a tear appear, from my right eye only? This one tear felt good. It was me allowing these feelings of hurt today &  to look for comfort around me. 

I have joined two new local charities who help & support people with disabilites. I have joined my first facebook group for families living with autism & introduced myself & my family via this blog too. I have emailed the National Autistic Society with a link to my blog. I am reaching out slowly.

Today is about my self-care. Everything that can wait is waiting & I am just about ok with that. 

I wish anyone else reading my blog today who is also feeling in desperate need for self-care today peace & rest & comfort.

Thank you for reading.

My mind is less busy & my body is not as heavy for expressing my many thoughts through my need to blog & hear my own story to understand it better myself.

   

Until next time, take care & remember to think about yourself as well as everybody else whenever you get a window of opportunity.

xx 

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"I LOVE CORNWALL"

 Hello again, this blog post tells of our much needed 5 night break away at my beloved Cornwall, staying on a farm just outside Looe. This was a new experience for us!! We were so excited to meet all the sheep, goats, ducks, chickens & rabbits. 

The past 6 weeks have been very hard on us all, with our youngest daughter age 12, struggling with anxiety & panic attacks when starting her new school. Socialising with her friends, old & new became impossible for her to cope with almost overnight. She has only been able to attend for 3 days since September.

 Our eldest daughter age 15 was diagnosed with Asperger's, High Functioning Autism in October 2013. Her younger sister is now showing the onset of very similar difficulities. This has been a huge shock for not only herself but for us as parents, family members & friends. The sudden change of environment & a huge new building, new faces, new teachers became totally overwhelming for her to cope with after her first day. I had picked up on a change in her personality & body language about 2 weeks prior to her starting school. She was already stressed & feeling overwhelmed which leaves her feeling sick all the time. It then becomes impossible for her function like she would normally do with daily life. At home within her comfort zone of things she loves & having very limited time socialising, she is well in her body. The sensory overload that life beyond our front door creates is kept to a minimum & she is able to cope in this protected world.


I have worked so hard with her school, the welfare officer,  our doctor, the hospital & with friends & family.

Thankfully all my relentless hardwork has paid off & she has already been seen at the hospital & referred to the Autisic Spectrum Disorder Clinic in early December for futher assessment & a possible diagnosis? We also have a meeting with the various professionals involved to discuss how to move things on further, as she is still unable to attend school.

Our eldest daughter has attended morning school since Year 9. Usually by the end of the term she is so exhausted her body crashes with chronic fatigue syndrome symptoms & she has to rest & be around her home comforts & obessions, (Disney being just one of them!!) Running up to our break away, she was off her school for a week with exhaustion. I had both my daughters at home with me. She has many mood swings which at times produced distressing meltdowns for hours at a time. She does not remember anything during the meltdown. I  am learning to ride the emotional waves of such a meltdown & trust it will eventually pass. So is my husband & her sister as they help all the time when the sensory meltdowns begin & end. I am exhausted at the end of it too, as she returns back to us all, fragile, sore, drained. She slowly settles & begins to be part of our family life again.

We all needed some family respite so badly. 

We arrived in thick fog after a long journey.
This lasted for 3 full days!!!!

 

We faced some challenges including the weather, our eldest daughter's emotional meltdown, plus my poor sleeping!!

Thankfully we managed to live through those difficulties & found many wonderful things to concentrate on. Like feeding the animals, collecting fresh eggs & eating them for breakfast. A real burning fire & wearing wellies!! Watching some great DVD's together, with the rain lashing on the windows. Not quite knowing how the days were going to turn out, but enjoying having time & plenty of space to have some fun.

I watched my two girls with tears in my eyes from the kitchen table, as they confidently went to feed their new adorable sheep friends. I heard my youngest say,"bye see you in a bit" as she went to play pool, darts & ping pong in the games room just across the yard. It was the first time my youngest had looked like herself for over 6 weeks. What a moment to cherish & smile to myself about. I wish with all my heart to hear her say that again, one day soon.

Until next time, take care & keep warm.

Thank you for reading my blog post today.
xx

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WORN & IMPERFECT CAN BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING

Hello again. This post I have been thinking about most of today but I have been busy with lots of chores & organising lots of things in advance of next weeks upcoming events. 

This week is a week of endings & new beginnings. Myself with my counselling sessions coming to a close & also for our youngest daughter, who will be leaving her Primary school this Tuesday to begin Secondary School in September. 

I have been doing ok with my daughter reaching this this milestone, change, transition until last Friday. She had fetched home her old cloth black plimsoles, as she had worn them in the school leaver's play. As I held these little soft shoes my tummy sort of flipped?!! Just for a second, not long but long enough to make me notice the feeling.

I was thinking how comfortable are good worn pair of shoes become. You rely on them to look after your feet & get you to where you need to be. Somehow the more they mold to your own feet the more comfortable they become? You don't actually notice them ageing until you try on a new pair. The comparision can be quiet a shock. There can be something very comforting about worn things? A real sense of belonging. I have been buying these little plimsoles for years for both my girls, but no more after Tuesday. I love all the creases & the worn out interior. These shoes have been part of our little girl's journey & so I felt it would be fitting to photogragh them as part of my blogging journal. Maybe you remember them too?!!

I am ready to finish my counselling & I am very grateful to have had the opportunity to talk about things going as far back as my childhood, when I wore the same black shoes in my school!! It will feel strange on a Tuesday morning for a few weeks when I would normally be in my 50 minute session. But thankfully I am now stronger & more confident that I can continue to move myself & my precious family forward through new life events & changes that are around us each & everyday. Our youngest daughter is also ready to embrace this new chapter in her life too!!

Many thanks for reading my blog today.

Until next time, take care.
xx

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